TV Go Clone

7:00 Jason Statham’s: The PunchMaster

Retired Special Forces operative turned handbag repairman Denton Fist (Statham) is captured by a breakaway terrorist group who, for reasons that aren’t properly explained, wirelessly connect his hands to a Schrodinger box that will kill his beloved cat Tiddles unless he randomly punches everything and everyone in sight. Problems quickly arise when Denton realises he promised to visit his Gran in the nursing home and his cousin on the children’s cancer ward.

Contains repeated and often unnessacary use of the word 'fist'

8:00 We Think It's All Over. It Is Now

Jeremy Paxman, John Snow and Alan Titchmarsh host an informative evening of survival strategies for the coming financial apocalypse. Alan's in the garden, showing how foraged insects and grubs can nourish the family. John Snow gives an informative lecture about female members of the family could turn to prostitution to bring in those much needed pennies and Andy McNab fashions a crude club from a bannister and barbed wire to show how even the simplest household objects could kill or maim an immigrant home invader.

9:00 Can You Hear Me Now Mother?

The recently discovered last ever comedy starring George Formby in which he plays `George` the cleaner of the very first British space rocket `Flash 1` and his misadventures when the rocket gets launched into space as he parks his fudge in the rockets toilet. Join George as he faces perils such as the lack of toilet paper the terrible poo creatures and the Martian dancing girls with three tits. Contains such musical classics as `Arrrgggghhhhh` , `Space - its blacker than my miner dad`s face` and of course the lewd `re-entry blues` Includes cameos by the many classic comedy heroes of the day who are all now dead and you will need to Google them to find out who they are.

Due to the age of this film, it contains no comedy value whatsoever.

10:00 Festive Family Fall Out Frenzy

Fly on the wall docusoap focussing on the most frazzled and fractious familes in Barnstaple. Contains swearing and recriminations.

7:00 Freeman, Hardy and Willis

2005's box office action smash hit. Set largely in a shoe shop in Milton Keynes. Plucky shoe shop owner battles the Mafia who are trying to muscle in on his 'patch', man, but they are really just working for a tobacco giant, for no other reason than it's about time they were the baddies in a film again. Tobacco giants, not the mafia. Fuck terrorists, I'm bored with terrorists, ok? And bank robbers. And the Mafia.

This gritty action flick won more gongs at Blah Blah Blah than it was really worth, but hey, who knows anything, right?

8:00 Cakes 2

BIGGER BETTER CAKES

9:00 CBBC: Science is Fun!

An aging and painfully arthritic Johnny Ball tries to explain Newton’s third law using only the objects he can buy at a drizzly car boot sale in a field just off junction 26 on the M1.

Switch to BBC HD to clearly see the agony in his eyes

10:00 Back to Where THEY Came From

Long term Daily Mail reader Sally Howarth (72) packs her bags for a month long exploration of countries with the most number of British immigrants. In tonight's episode, Sally is in Pakistan, where the Malik family are her hosts for the week. Sally refuses to eat the Malik's welcome dinner, choosing instead to stay in her room sobbing and muttering the word 'filthy' over and over and over. Don't miss next week's episode where Sally refuses to hold a West Indian baby because 'it probably has Aids.' Catch Sally's 'behind the scenes holiday diary' all week in the Mail, just beneath the story about Cancer and to the left of the paparazzi shot of a celebrity's twelve-year old daughter in a fucking bikini with the headline 'look who's all grown up now!'

7:00 Bear Grylles’ Faux Fear Factor

Ursine monikered survival expert and micturition enthusiast Bear gives unhelpful tips for frankly unlikely survival scenarios. In this episode Bear travels to Kyrgyzstan where we are shown how to make a simple compass from a niobium-titanium superconducting alloy, how to start a fire with mayonnaise and how to build a functioning portaloo using only bamboo, vines and 13 years of extensive military training.

No animals werent harmed during the making off this show.

8:00 I'm a Celebrity, Get Yer Rat Out

Vaguely nauseating all-female spin off of the puzzlingly popular z-list snorelebrity "reality" show.

Viewers get the chance to vote on which 'celebrity' lady garden they get to see in the vote-off show after the News at Ten. This week - will the public vote for Imogen Thomas's neatly trimmed front bottom, or Mo Mowlam's yawning donkey?

Should it all become a bit much for you, amazingly, you will find a standard issue airline sickbag underneath your chair.

9:00 The RX Factor

16 hopeful pop singers compete for a million pound record contract, singing under the influence of strong prescription drugs. Tonight, oxycodone and propofil.

10:00 Celebrity Street Dealer UK

This week: Vanessa Feltz hits the unforgiving streets of Partick; can she avoid a kicking from the Young Fleeto and shake off the boys in blue? Meanwhile in London Dean Gaffney tries to shift a weight of brown the size of a puffin's egg.

7:00 It's Fucking Christmas

Noted French porn producer Pierre 'Woodman' takes us on a highly personal tour of provincial Provence Churches, noting the differences in Christmas celebrations throughout Southern Europe. The tour ends in Pierre's hotel room, where he meets 'Claudette' a student of theology from Hungary. After a spirited debate on the nature of religious symbolism he violently fucks her on the bed.

8:00 Don't Tell The Bride

(I've eloped with her best friend..)

9:00 The Muse at 10

Muse debate what they just watched on TV at 10 O'Clock.

Sponsored by "The Alternative Queen's Speech"

10:00 Margate SG1

MacGyver, Teal'c and the oddly fit one relocate to the marvellous Kent coast to do battle with the massed ranks of the Goa'uld who have disguised themselves as the local population of Manchester United supporters. Which is everyone.