TV Go Clone

7:00 Hertz Aflame

Where we hack into ITV1's transmission.

8:00 Jim'll Fix It!

In tonight's show, Jim Fixes it for a young fan from Brighton to meet the Bay City Rollers, Jimmy of Glasgow gets to see how a stamp is made and thirteen-year-old Sally of Dublin writes to Jimmy to see if he can fix it for her to see inside his famous dressing room.

9:00 Jamie's North Korean Kitchen

Celebrity chef Jamie Oliver travels to North Korea, where he enlists the help of fifteen young chefs to launch his latest restaurant. In tonight's show, Jamie's attempts to create a meal from Rat meat, snow and a tablespoonful of rotten grain don't go entirely to plan, and when four of the chefs are executed, Jamie's tearful attempt to call a local press conference see him violently beaten by secret police and thrown into an unmarked van. You can now follow Jamie's North Korean adventures online, where his hysterical pleas for clemency are scribbled in faeces on smuggled sheets of toilet paper.

10:00 Pointless West

State news for the west country, sugar coated by Will Glennon and that bird from Brainteaser. Bring your own sick bag.

7:00 The kicking boxer

Documentary: We follow the rise and fall of Dennis 'The bastard' Riley. Also known as the only man to have been disqualified in every boxing match for kicking. Narrated by David Beckham.

8:00 Show About Hats

David "Hattenborough" tells us the history of hats in Britain.

4. Ipswich Hat Stuff - a story about the leading hat company/factory in eastern England.

First broadcast in 2006 to fill "Super Awesome Band" with David Attenborough that was canceled due to budget constraints.

9:00 243 Best Eurovision Song Contest Entries

35. Dana International - Diva (Israel; 1998)

10:00 High Steaks

Documentary series about the world's highest steaks.

4. Roni from Israel takes a look at his former world record held in Jerusalem until 2003 - and explains how all of it was eaten.

7:00 X Factor

Crappy talent fun.

This week: Hot 'N' Cold interpret Britney Spears' "Toxic".

Next week, Richard Watterson from Elmore in southern England interprets a sketch from "The Fast Show" fetauring Inflaytion.

8:00 Ant & Dec's Double Team Extravaganza

The cheeky Geordie duo invite various celebrities to join them on the couch for the most perfunctory of interviews and then simultaneously penetrate them from different ends.

This week - Deborah Meaden. Also features the Chuckle Brothers as they conclude their tag team tour of Britain at the home of unsuspecting single mum Lucy, from Swindon.

9:00 URCHIN!

Danny Cooksey returns to kid crap as he reprises his role from "The Little Mermaid" (not the movie, the show). He now lives on a weird house from a 2003 short-lived sitcom as a merman stuck among six 16 year-olders.

1: Barbie in the Attic. Urchin watches "Yo! Diary of Anne Frank" 3 times in a row. Urchin imitates a lot of crap he saw in the movie and looks at his copy of this shit film while he puts it on the trash.

10:00 Phineas and Ferb in Hebrew

Same as before, only in hebrew.

7:00 Come Down With Me

A flamboyant gay man, a sexually predatory menopausal woman, a salt-of-the-earth wanker and an attractive lass with a glaring personality defect have spent the night on medically pure illicit substances. The cameras roll as they are shut in a dingy bedsit together over four days and the symptoms of withdrawal begin to rear their ugly head. Who will win the coveted 20 cash prize?

Soundtrack by Meshuggah

8:00 Big Look Circus

Fascinating televisual experiment that tests the boundaries of voyeurism. Starting tonight, a member of the public has volunteered to spend nine weeks strapped to an operating table beneath an immense glass eye and an undulating latex phallus. The eye broadcasts uninterrupted close.ups while thousands of internet users visit the official website to to repeatedly click an icon that makes the penis spill a fat stream of hot piss directly into the participant's left retina.

Are you prepared to have your every waking moment subjected to the scrutiny of the British public? Can we stick your camera down your pants and sort of wiggle it around? Or maybe push the lens right up against your anus, then administer a drug that causes flatulence, so we can film the sphincter flexing as you pass wind and screen the results on a gigantic electronic hoarding overlooking Picadilly Circus? Perhaps you'd like us to engineer an ordeal in which a pig in a Stan Laurel mask gives you a protracted browndicking while we use the global satellite network to beam your squirms of discomfort to millions of ugly gawping shits worldwide? It's okay, we'll pay you. The Big Look Circus team would like to speak to you: call now on 0207 00004

9:00 Cunt

Nathan Barley takes a dwindling look at the newest version of the Wasp T12 Speechtool: the Wasp T12 Speechtool Extreme, containing tons of apps, incluiding a virtual condom machine and a joke machine. Later on, he will take a look at a new iPhone app: iPoo; an entertaining app for you. In your bathroom.

10:00 Famiy Guy

More illegal Family Guy.