TV Go Clone

7:00 Who The Fuck Do You Think You Are?

In this episode, serial plagiarist and professional Swansea shit-stick Steven "Twatwaffle" Semmens takes us through the vast body of work he claims as his own, including The Harry Potter series and various pilfered stories from the one person on the Internet you probably should avoid trying to upset - David Thorne. Includes interviews with a multitude of made-up friends.

Hopefully we'll see a few candid photos of his girlfriend (unless she's another figment of his imagination - hope not, she's quite tasty)

8:00 The Mayor of Sheffield

Posthumous documentary charting the life of the unofficial Mayor of Sheffield, Okie Dulo, aka The African. Expect big booming laughs, beaming smiles, some very naughty boys and girls, generous use of the word 'heavy' and a smattering of late nights. RIP Okie D....

9:00 Jews Sans Frontieres

Israel. Ronseal.

10:00 Tennis

The. Fucking. Tennis. Can we not, just once, allow landmines? Or Tourettes?

7:00 Horizon - Kitchen Ceilings: '76 - '83

Hot on the heels of the Bafta Award-winning 'Corby Trouser Press Through The Ages', Keith Chegwin and Philip Schofield return with another Horizon special, detailing the definitive history of Artex ceilings in suburban late 1970's Great Britain. Riveting, I shit you not.

*Features so much Artex you'll fucking shit yourself.

8:00 Motherfuckin' Countryfile, Yo

Continues BBC2's hip hop takeover evening. Features a report on pig farming in Hendon by Aesop Rock, while The Beastie Boys explore trout fishing in the River Lathkill.

9:00 Freeman, Hardy and Willis

2005's box office action smash hit. Set largely in a shoe shop in Milton Keynes. Plucky shoe shop owner battles the Mafia who are trying to muscle in on his 'patch', man, but they are really just working for a tobacco giant, for no other reason than it's about time they were the baddies in a film again. Tobacco giants, not the mafia. Fuck terrorists, I'm bored with terrorists, ok? And bank robbers. And the Mafia.

This gritty action flick won more gongs at Blah Blah Blah than it was really worth, but hey, who knows anything, right?

10:00 Daily Mail TV

Jeremy Vine brings his award-winning NIMBY whinetime twat show to BBC2. Expect ill-informed bigotry and mild racism (you know, like your Grandma).

Includes the Top 10 Things To Be Scared About This Week

7:00 You've Been Trolled

Various mind-numbingly fame hungry 'celebrities' come crawling out of the woodwork to whine, whine, fucking, whine about how they've been trolled on Twitter this week. The cunts.

This week blah blah Kirstie Allsopp, blah blah the pie loving trout

8:00 Ant & Dec's Double Team Extravaganza

The cheeky Geordie duo invite various celebrities to join them on the couch for the most perfunctory of interviews and then simultaneously penetrate them from different ends.

This week - Deborah Meaden. Also features the Chuckle Brothers as they conclude their tag team tour of Britain at the home of unsuspecting single mum Lucy, from Swindon.

9:00 I'm a Celebrity, Get Yer Rat Out

Vaguely nauseating all-female spin off of the puzzlingly popular z-list snorelebrity "reality" show.

Viewers get the chance to vote on which 'celebrity' lady garden they get to see in the vote-off show after the News at Ten. This week - will the public vote for Imogen Thomas's neatly trimmed front bottom, or Mo Mowlam's yawning donkey?

Should it all become a bit much for you, amazingly, you will find a standard issue airline sickbag underneath your chair.

10:00 Blondes Say The Funniest Things

For "Funniest" read "Incredibly Stupid" and for "Blondes" read "My Ex-Girlfriend"

Includes the classic "If it's still 0-0 at the end of extra time, does it go to goal kicks?"

7:00 Undercover Designer Dogs

I mean, seriously, you cannot make this shit up....

8:00 Margate SG1

MacGyver, Teal'c and the oddly fit one relocate to the marvellous Kent coast to do battle with the massed ranks of the Goa'uld who have disguised themselves as the local population of Manchester United supporters. Which is everyone.

9:00 Sarah Jessica Darko

Sassy, 21st Century remake of the cult time travel/parallel timeline classic, this time starring the anorexic cock-hungry clothes horse and her giant rabbit.

Not suitable for anyone, really

10:00 The Raggy Dolls

Fly on the wall documentary series following the (mis)adventures of a bunch of squat-dwelling ketamine heads.

This week - "Who's legs are these?"

Available in Sensurround